Dear Cupid,
Let’s setup a zoom meeting to chit chat a bit. I promise to unmute my mic and even turn on my camera. Actually can you just FaceTime me when you get a chance? I can’t be bothered with the ‘can you hear me now’ dialogue. Thanks!! - Kariba
Love after heartbreak… I’ve come to terms with it. What does ‘it’ actually mean in this scenario. Allow me to explain…. I’ve come to terms with the fact that having my heart shattered into pieces, stepped on, tossed in dirt and handed back to me was needed in order to truly understand what REAL love looks and feels like. By no means has this process been easy and I wouldn't wish heartbreak on anybody, but hey… it happens. (I take that back, the girl in my high school orchestra class who just wouldn’t leave me alone! Perhaps I wish it on her. Sorry not sorry!)
There is an untold story that I feel like gets swept under the rug when it comes to heartbreak and moving on. That story is about the amount of trauma and hurt you hold onto while moving forward with your life. It finds a nice cozy spot deep down inside and hangs out until the most inopportune moment. Then ‘BAM’ it pops back up. The wounds run deep and certain sounds, actions by others, moments that used to make you smile turn into major triggers. Nothing about heartbreak is surface level, it’s truly an internal wound that will take time to repair and mend. Every so often, someone comes along with a suture kit, and before you know it you’re being stitched up one wound at a time. They’ll do a few stitches and you’ll finish off and close. (I watch too much Grey’s Anatomy… let me be great!)
I had a wonderful plan laid out for the entire year of 2020. It was to become the rich Aunty, trade out my car, stack my coins to put down on a home and to travel the world. I was not worried about putting my heart back on the market because men are trash, when they want to be. The thought of becoming vulnerable again and sharing my energy with anybody was completely off the table. The only kisses I’d find worthy of my attention would come from the sun as I laid out on various beaches across the world.
Pandemic Love
Look at me! Giddy to receive a message back! What have I become!?!?
One tweet here and there, a couple DM messages and the rug being pulled out from under my feet… I knew something major was brewing. Who would have thought that during a pandemic I would open my heart to anybody. Let alone to someone who literally has helped me expand my viewpoints on the world and showed me the true definition of ‘Love’. I know, I’m just as shocked typing this now than I was when it was all freshly happening. Disclaimer, I was low-key a ‘friendly jerk’ because I knew falling for anybody would be a no-go!
I wasn’t looking for love/relationship so I was authentically myself. I said what was on my mind, and I guarded my heart like a fortress. My ‘friendly jerk’ ways lasted an entire month and then something major happened. In that moment as those hot burning tears streamed down my face I realized I was so emotional because I was actually in LOVE with this man. The thought of losing him literally crippled me. It was a different type of pain that I never felt before. Love softened my #TeamNoMan heart.
Being vulnerable and opening back up felt so foreign and natural at the same time. I knew that the words I spoke and the messages I sent to him were being received and stored in an extension of my own heart. I like to say I gave a piece of my heart to him and he’s been keeping it safe and protected. Pandemic Love!! Look at me! Giddy to receive a message back! What have I become!?!?!
The hardest part about allowing yourself to love someone new after a heartbreak is staying out of your own mind chatter of self sabotage. The various ways I created storylines of ‘what ifs’ so effortlessly are shocking. It took some growing pains to become aware when I’m setting myself up. I’ve realized the doubts, the storylines, the deep thought sessions of ‘why me’ all stemmed from a place of hurt. Finding ways to get to the root of the ‘worry’ has been my saving grace. I literally feel like each week is a new epiphany unfolding right before my eyes. I honestly can say I love growing as an individual and growing with him through this process.
Love after heartbreak will force you to expand as a person. It takes a certain level of vulnerability to trust someone new with your life force… aka your heart. It demands calculated risks and investments outside of yourself alone. It requires patience, communication and mutual understanding towards comprehension. Love after heartbreak will force you to do an operating system upgrade. (You’ll carry over the lessons of past relationships but you’ll implement and unlock those new features that work better for you.) It takes loving yourself and being gentle with your thoughts.
Needless to say, finding my love after heartbreak was the best thing to happen to me. ::Chefs Kiss::
xoxo - Kariba
P.S. - And he’s FINE!!! (And smells so flipping good ALL THE TIME!!)
P.S.S - I’m so thankful he’s in my life! Let me go annoy him now! Kay bye!
